Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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