I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
