After last night, I could never be a politician.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
sarcasm needs its own font
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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