so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
