Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
