her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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