The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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