Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
