Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
