Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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