my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
