Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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