In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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