It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
