I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
