Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
