your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
