My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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