Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
