And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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