I just threw up on my dentist
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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