Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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