I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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