Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
