I just pynch a tree in the face
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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