I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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