Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
