Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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