There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
