Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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