true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
