It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
