The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
