who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
