On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
