Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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