screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't turn off my feet"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
