saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
