No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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