My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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