Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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