first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
as a side note pls kill me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
