I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
