I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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