32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
