I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
