he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
