every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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