I'm going to jail i love you
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
