Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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