i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
