We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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