i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
